How a Quaker Wedding Works

Rich and I will be having a Quaker wedding, and I suspect that the vast majority of our guests will not be familiar with these events, so I wanted to provide a brief overview of the Quaker ceremony so you're not all sitting there wondering if there's some kind of starting pistol we're all waiting on. We will also provide an overview on our programs on the day itself, for the non-Interneters. At our most recent meeting with our Clearness Committee, a group of Quakers that helps guide our preparation for marriage, one of the members had a very helpful, succinct pamphlet from the Philadelphia Yearly Meeting that gives a good description of what a Quaker marriage is all about. Luckily, they have also published it online:

From its beginning, the Religious Society of Friends has stressed the conviction that marriage is a binding relationship entered into in the presence of God and of witnessing Friends. Before this public commitment is made on the day of the wedding, the proposed marriage must have received the approval of the monthly meeting, given after careful consideration by an appointed committee.

The wedding itself is a meeting for worship, held after the manner of Friends, within which the marriage takes place. The bridal couple enter the meeting and take their places at the front of the room. In giving themselves to each other, they eliminate the custom of the bride being given away by her father. No third person pronounces them man and wife because Friends believe that God alone can create such a union and give it significance. Neither a bridal party nor an exchange of rings is necessary to Friends' procedure, although both have become customary today.

In an atmosphere of quiet and reverence during the period of worship, the couple rise. Taking each other by the hand, they make their promises, first the groom and then the bride, using the following or similar words:

"In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee ... to be my wife (husband), promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband (wife) so long as we both shall live."

When the couple is seated again, the marriage certificate is brought for them to sign. Then someone who has previously been selected to do so reads the certificate aloud. This is done with dignity and care in order to contribute to the atmosphere of worship.

The meeting then continues in silent waiting upon God while those assembled share in the worship through prayer and meditation or through spoken messages. The person chosen to close the meeting may, if desired, provide an opportunity for the bridal party to withdraw. Those present are asked to sign the certificate as witnesses to the marriage. A copy of the certificate is made for the records of the monthly meeting in whose care the marriage has taken place, and the legal requirements are completed by a committee appointed by that Meeting.

Many Quaker marriage certificates, handed down from generation to generation, have proved to be valuable historical records. Today, as well, the certificate becomes a cherished possession in the new home, recalling the reverent attitude of worship with which the marriage began and the company of loving friends who took part in it.

What does this mean for our particular wedding? When the ceremony begins, our family members will proceed to their seats, followed by our wedding party and finally by Rich and I. We will have a member of our Clearness Committee stand and explain the ceremony, and then we will have a period of silent reflection until Rich and I stand and say our vows to each other. After the vows, a member of our wedding party will read our Wedding Certificate aloud, and then we will sign it. Silent worship will then continue and if you feel moved to say something, you can feel free to stand and do so. Quakers generally leave a few minutes between speakers in order to better digest the voiced messages. When the Meeting is completed, the same member of our Clearness Committee will stand and close the Meeting, at which point we will all proceed to the reception, with guests stopping to sign the Wedding Certificate as witnesses on their way.

Please feel free to call or email me if you have any questions, but I also encourage you to post questions in the comments here. This is unfamiliar territory for most of our guests, so let's wade through the confusion together!